left kanilski | yazmak, kendine alışamamaktır!: lirik edebiyat #7 (23.01.10)

lirik edebiyat #7 (23.01.10)

HADİ, YALANLAR SÖYLE BANA!

Odasının zor kapanan kapısını ikinci denemede kapattıktan sonra, paltosunu çıkartıp yatağının üstüne attı ve buz gibi havanın ona armağan ettiği titremeler birazcık dinsin diye kaloriferin önünde ayakta dikildi. Camdan dışarıyı izledi bir süre. Ardından eklemlerinin çözüldüğüne karar verdiğinde masasına oturup, geçen doğum gününde en sevdiği kafede en sevdiği insan tarafından verilen küçük ev biblosuna daldı. Sonra ne zamandır yapmadığı şeyi yapacak birikime sahip olduğunu kanıtlarcasına önünde duran Virginia Woolf’un “Deniz Feneri”ni kenara itip, üst raftan beyaz bir kâğıt ve onun yanında duran sarı ayıcık desenli kupasının içinden pembe renkli, kokulu silgili kalemini aldı ve o an bilincinden ne geçiyorsa kâğıda döküverdi.

“Gerçekler bu kadar acıtırken, yalan kadar masum ne olabilir hayatta?
Hadi, yalanlar söyle bana!

Ucu görünen bir tünelde, belki de son nefesimi içime çekiyorken şu an, “mutlu olmak hakkım değil mi” diye soran acaba kaç insan var benim gibi?

Gerçeklerin vereceği güvene tutunmaktansa yalanlarla uyuşmaya tâlibim. Öyleyse
hadi, yalanlar söyle bana!

Bensiz olamayacağını söyle.
Beni önemsediğini söyle.
Varlığımdan yararlandığını söyle.
Bir işe yaradığımı, birinin hayatında onu hayatta hissettirebilecek bir yerim olduğunu söyle…

Bedenim fâniliğinden haberdar ve huzursuzken, bir an olsun oyala beni şu hayatta.
Bana âşık olduğunu söyle.
Beni arzuladığını söyle, teninin tenimi istediğini söyle.
Sevildiğimi bileyim.
Bunlar sayesinde hayatımda ilk defa, birkaç kısa dakika için de olsa yaşamanın ölmekten daha iyi olduğuna inanayım…

Gerçeklerle başım dertte bu aralar. Her şeyin hiçbir şey olduğunu kavrayana kadar ne güzeldi akşamlarım, ne temizdi hayallerim. Bir erkeğin beni ben olarak sevmesiydi tek istediğim. Ve bulmuştum o adamı. Fakat…

Meğer kendi hayâlime‘âşıkmışım.
Meğer kendimde gördüğüm eksikliklerden ve sahip olmak istediklerimden bir adam yaratmışım. Babam gibi kararlı, güçlü ve zeki…
Gerçekliğin dokunuşuyla hayallerden uyandığımda daha iyi anlıyorum olan biteni. Galiba bütün derdim sevilmek, önemsenmek ve ilgi görmekmiş.
Baba evimde ısındığım sıcaklığa benzer bir sıcaklık aramışım, büyük binaların, geniş caddelerin, sert insanların soğukluğunda.

Acıyorum kendime ama bir yandan da…

Yalanlar istiyorum. Beni bir an olsun bıkmışlığımdan ve bırakılmışlığımdan kurtaran yalanlar. Beni birazcık mutlu edecek olanlardan. Yalan olduğunu bilsem de bilmesem de bir şeyin fark etmeyeceğini biliyorum. Bir zaman önce gerçek olmadığını bildiğim birçok şeye gerçek dedikten sonra bilmişliğimin bilmemişliğimin ne önemi var? Öyleyse,
hadi durma, yalanlar söyle bana! Benimle ilgili olsun. Bana beni anlatan, bana, benim bilmediğim bir beni anlatan. Birazcık da onlarla yaşayayım.

Hadi!”

Kâğıda birkaç gözyaşı damlasa da hâlâ yazmak niyetindeydi. Lâkin, önce akmak için direnen burnuna bir çare bulmalıydı. Bir burun çekme sesine, bir de horlama sesine sinir olurdu. Kafasını kâğıttan kaldırıp, etrafına bakındı. Paltosunun yanına çantasını da atmış olabileceğini düşünüp yatağın üstüne göz gezdirdikten sonra, komodinin önünde duran çantasının fermuarının açıp elini diplere daldırdı ve kâğıt mendil çıkardı. Burnunu sildi. Gözlerinde hala akmamış yaşlar varken tekrar sandalyesine oturdu. İçeriden ev arkadaşının ona seslenişini duyunca, yazmaktan vazgeçti. Kâğıdı çabucak katlayıp raftaki rastgele bir kitabın arasına koydu ve gözyaşlarını parmaklarıyla yok etmeye çalışıp, hafif çatlak bir sesle “efendim canım!” dedi. Bir saattir ne yaptığı sorusunu duymamak için de, “Deniz Feneri”ni eline alıp en son kaldığı yeri açtı ve okuyormuş gibi yaptı.

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eksikliklerimizden, sahip olmak istediklerimizden yarattığımız bir hayal ürünü, bir adam veya bir kadın.. hangimizln yok ki! yaratıyor ve sonra oynuyoruz.. kaptırıyoruz kendimizi de.. ama ne zamanki gerçek dünya yüzümüze bir duvar gibi çarpıyor lşte o zaman hayallerimizde can çekişmeye başlıyor.. ve tamda bu anda ihtiyaç duyuyoruz yalanlara, pembe falan değil adam gibi yalanlar.. blze hayallerimiz kadar güzel görünmesi gereken yalanlara.. beni sevdiğini, bensiz yapamayacağını, hayatındaki en önemli varlık olduğumu, hiç ayrılmayacağımızı vs.. hep duymak istedlğimlz ama hiç duyamadığımız..(yalanlara) :-) ve beni anlat, görünmediğimi, olmadığımı, yapamadıklarımı, olamadıklarımı söyle bana, mutlu et beni, gülmekten öldür beni, gerçeğin beni boğmasından değil.. aslında kendimizi mutlu etmek ya da avutmak isterken yine kendi kendlmlzi yasa boğmak değilde nedlr bu yaptığımız? öğrenmeli o halde.. hayallerin olamayacağını, oynandıktan sonra diğer oyuncakların yanına bırakılması gerektiğini, blze anlık mutluluklar verebileceğini, sonsuz olmadığını ve en önemlisi de gERçEK olmayacağını... ''hayal ama gerçek''

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kitap mı?
yalanlar söylemek mi?
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